Life

1:400,000,000,000

The other day I was listening to a TedTalk and the speaker said that our life is really precious and the possibility of me/you exist on the earth is 

1:400,000,000,000

It is such a huge number that I cannot grasp it well

But since I was young, I always have this suicidal thought 

that has been making me feel that I do not deserve anything good

I woud not do anything to kill myself though

I know people say

life is too short to remourse or to feel miserable

People say

you definitely have the potential to carry out your unique mission 

I do encourage my friends by saying the same thing

and is true that when there is no hope we can create it

But deep in my thought, I still have the suicidal feeling and 

There are some nights I wish I would not wake up in the next mornign 

I wish I would just leave this world without any pain and without anyone knowing I passed away. 

Recently as my illness is getting worse,

I have lots of distorted thoughts and my physical state is also not good. 

I sometimes feel my heart is pumping and haches.

I feel it is hard to concentrate on m work in the afternoon.

My practice of buddhism certainly helps me and members are so supportive. 

I really appreciate my environment

But I feel that without my existence things will go smoothly

Maybe someone can relate me a lot.

Maybe some of you feel disappointed or angry to read this. 

I just wanted to write that out. 

I am not good at doing self care but learning how to do it. 

I know the past is the past

we create positive cause for the positive future 

we do no need to be influenced by the past

I comprehend but deep in my hear I am still struggling with removing all the negative thought 

Ciao

4 Months in Mexico

June - Start Anew

I started to work for the Internatioanl Office of Universidad de Guanajuato in Mexico. I have never gone to a big University so it was very difficult to understand how they organize. 

My Spanish was not good so everyday I was learning something new. Well, still ... 

July - Summer Research Project, Mom, New Housing

I started to help Summer Research Project. It was an amazing experience to interact with students from different country! 

My mom came to visit me too. I went to San Miguel de Allende every weekend too haha I love the city so much. 

I also went to Cancun with Harumi. It was super hot but I could make a spectacular memory with my hermanita Harumi :) 

I moved to a new apartment house in this month too.

August - New Semester

New semester began in this month and my students from Summer Research Project also left. Aw I miss them so much. But it was so exciting to see new students! 

I organized cultural event. It was soooo hard cus I had to message with more than 100 students .... but they shared their culture through dance performances, reading a poem, music, and some foods! 

One of the amazing things happened in August was my best friend came to work with me! The other wonderful news I got in this month was I was chosend to carry out a project in Japan :) hihihi 

September - Settled Down 

I guess September was when I feel more accustomed to this life in Mexico and I know more about the school system. I think I know most of the Campuses now too. Third week of the month I felt kinda sad but I had an amazing birthday and weekend trip in California. 

I could also contribute to the Expo and Forum International for the last week of September. It was such a busy week cus we worked from the morning till around 10pm everyday! But I really appreciated to everyone who worked so hard but did not complain. 

One of the best things  happened in this month was my SGI members have helped me so much with my problems. :) 

I appreciate to the people who are in my environment. 

Tomorrow, it is already October!

I will start one hour morning chanting and another one hour evening chanting. 

I will eat healthier and hit the gym too cus when I exercise constantly, that is when I am feeling happier and more energized! 

I will also find an apartment to share with Cristel. 

I will make sure to make the project 120% successful! 

Ciao

26th Birthday and 50K in California

Last weekend I had a blast.

On Thursday, I had a dinner with my best friend and other coworkers. 

My best friend, soon to be me roomate, organized a birthday party for me at a french cafe that I have been loving so far. 

It was a really relaxing and nice time to catch up with everyone.

That week, I had to wake up super early everyday to have a skype meeting with people who  have been working in Japan. (I hope to update with this project I am working on right now) Considering the time difference, we had a meeting at 7:30 everyday. I cannot believe I was capable of doing that actually. 

So that week was physically and mentally drawing and I was exhausted and kinda sad. But the birthday dinner made me feel really happy! 

On Friday, I rushed to the airport after the work cus I planned to go back to California! 

I left the airport around 7pm and arrived in there 9pm. Over the weekend, I stayed at Cindy´s place. I loved the cute house with a sweet dog creampuff!!

We could not do much on that night cus I was exhausted...

On Saturday, I went to a mornign walk with Cindy and creampuff. I loved the area where she lives. We had a really good coffe talk! 

For lunch, we went down to Westminster to meet up with Valentina. We had a chinese food together. hehe 

After that we grabbed boba and went to SUA to meet up with some ppl! Not everyone was on campus but I felt great to be back. I could remember what I was thinking when I studied there. 

On that night I met up with Sean and we headed to Izakaya  and Karaoke. What a nice and delicious night. I loved meeting with Jose and her friends too cus we did a cardgame together. I was so bad lol 

On Sunday, we finally went to 50K! Michelle Obaman´s message and other performances were all encouraging! I really appreciate to everyone worked behind the scene... 

Thank you so much for everyone who made me feel happier over the weekend! 

Special thanks to Cindy and her boyfriend for hosting me :) 

Ciao

日常。

たまには日本語で文章がかきたい！笑

今日は朝、お母さんと連絡とってて、

そしたら月末に遊びに来てくれるとのこと！

すっごくうれしい！

 

最近、仕事がある日のリズムができてきた！

７時に起きて準備して、高麗人参と蜂蜜のお茶をのむ

ちょうど教会の鐘がなるから、

それを聞きながら朝だなーって思いながらおきる笑

８時３０分には先生から野菜と果物のジュースをもらって、

ちょっとお話してから出勤。

オフィスまでは歩いて５分だけど、ちょっと遠回りして、観光客がはいるレストランの朝食をながめたりしながらお散歩してる

朝はまだ肌寒いけど、空気が澄んでるから一番好きな時間。

パンやゴルディータを売ってるお店のまわりに集まってるひとたち。

ゴルディータってゆうのは、タコスの分厚いバージョンの中に

ひよこまめ、にまめ、チーズ、チリソース、さぼてん、お肉とか好きなのを入れて食べられる。ひとつ１２ペソだから７０円くらい。

オフィスの部屋では４人で働いてて、それぞれ机とパソコンがあるけど、いまはいろいろ移動中。デスク周りをかわいくしたいなーとおもって。

机の上におくお花とか、日本からもってくればよかったなー笑

ちっちゃいさぼてん買っておこうかな！

５時には仕事終えて、だいたい７時ころにジムだったりヨガにいってるけど、さいきん新しいことがはじめてみたいとおもってて。

サルサをならうかどうしようかなー

夜は１０時にはねる準備

きのうは猫のたまが部屋に侵入してきてたいへん！

この前は夜中にへやのドアがあいたとおもって目が覚めて

風かなっておもってしめようとしたら、

たまとききがいて笑

笑っちゃった！　かわいい。

猫アレルギーだけど、ちょっとづつ慣れてきたかな

 今日のお弁当

 実は今朝は昨日の残りのハンバーグで小さなハンバーグ丼を朝つくってくれました。朝はジュース飲むと12時ころまではお腹好かないから、さっきそれをたべちゃった！

お弁当は夕方か夜ご飯にしようかな

Ciao