Life

1:400,000,000,000

The other day I was listening to a TedTalk and the speaker said that our life is really precious and the possibility of me/you exist on the earth is 

1:400,000,000,000

It is such a huge number that I cannot grasp it well

But since I was young, I always have this suicidal thought 

that has been making me feel that I do not deserve anything good

I woud not do anything to kill myself though

I know people say

life is too short to remourse or to feel miserable

People say

you definitely have the potential to carry out your unique mission 

I do encourage my friends by saying the same thing

and is true that when there is no hope we can create it

But deep in my thought, I still have the suicidal feeling and 

There are some nights I wish I would not wake up in the next mornign 

I wish I would just leave this world without any pain and without anyone knowing I passed away. 

Recently as my illness is getting worse,

I have lots of distorted thoughts and my physical state is also not good. 

I sometimes feel my heart is pumping and haches.

I feel it is hard to concentrate on m work in the afternoon.

My practice of buddhism certainly helps me and members are so supportive. 

I really appreciate my environment

But I feel that without my existence things will go smoothly

Maybe someone can relate me a lot.

Maybe some of you feel disappointed or angry to read this. 

I just wanted to write that out. 

I am not good at doing self care but learning how to do it. 

I know the past is the past

we create positive cause for the positive future 

we do no need to be influenced by the past

I comprehend but deep in my hear I am still struggling with removing all the negative thought 

Ciao